Is it 10s Across the Board?
When our editor asked me to do something tongue-in-cheek for a gay pin-up calendar I thought ‘Ha, now is my chance to sue for sexual harassment and get me some of the Queerguru millions’. Turns out, after having hit speed dial to Queerguru HR it was all a misunderstanding, a mere reference to the tone of the expected piece about a launch event happening at the Kings Arms in Soho. Guess I gotta keep grinding.
So, I am here at the launch of meat NKD 2024, dressed as lamb despite the bombastic side-eye in the comments of my Insta. meat NKD 2024 is the artistic product of Meatzine’s Adrian Lourie and continues to be his passion project. I am here to apply our world-renowned ratings to the men of meat NKD. Let’s start by recapping the Queerguru 1-10 meat scoring system:
1-Is the level of serial killer cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. We promise you’re not Jeffrey Dahmer. You barely even touch carbs
2-3-Nobody is a 2-3 unless they are jealous, mean or damaged. Which you aren’t, are you? #thoughts&prayers
4 -If you look like an 8 and act like a 2 you’re a 4. It’s math
5 –is average. I am a 5. You’re a 5. That’s what an average is. #MakeAverageGreatAgain
6-7 -What everyone thinks they are. Because special
8 -You stand out in the gay crowd. The gay crowd stands around you. Every 5-7 hopes you might choose them. Because special.
9 -The most attractive a person can be. Don’t move, grow or change. The spell can be broken.
10 –The Instagram-filtered version of a 6
Controversially not mistaken for one of the models at the door, I made my way to the bar/butcher’s counter where the meat NKD models were, literally, hanging out. Gaggles of gays walked right through me as they tried to do the same thing. I seemed to have been cursed with an Invisibility Cloak, I suspect JK Rowling after my scathing expose of her position on padded jockstraps. A song from my childhood kept burrowing into my ear. ‘10 Fat Sausages sizzling in a pan. Some went Pop, and the others went Bang’. Clutching my drink, my hands felt untrustworthy empty, I began to think about what the collective noun was for a group of meat models. After chatting with some of the eager attendees the consensus was that it was a mouthful.
The models who attended or appeared in the content are, of course, delightful. And credit to Lourie for the diverse choice of looks and body types. They held up well under the ravenous hordes of Soho, though they did look like venison in headlights. Several unsolicited bids were made by the crowd for their underwear. After a recent defeat over some antique Tom of Finland figurines in an ebay auction I was too chastened to throw my hat into their rings. Plus, they put a hold on my Queerguru corporate card for the same reason.
I didn’t make it to the after party. After a night at the mercy of the pointy elbows of Soho I had to retire early to rub some arnica on my ribs despite their padding. As I wandered home alone, I was struck by a strange indecision. Burger or kebab?
PS You can read more about nkd 2024 HERE
