Mission Creep  ☆☆☆
The White Bear Theatre, London

The exposition for Mission Creep, written by Bee Scott, is intriguing enough: Tess and Liam are determined to get off the planet at any cost. On paper, they’re the perfect applicants for Britain’s intergalactic relocation project: they’re young, fertile, and their queerplatonic relationship might even pass for heterosexual bliss. All that’s left is to get past Mary and the interview…and if they must do one or two extra things to impress the panel, isn’t it worth it to avoid the apocalypse?

We are introduced to the happy couple sitting on some packing boxes as they prepare for the make or break interview. Liam (played with an understated air of bemusement by Charlie Maguire) is bisexual and Tess (Emilia Stawicki mixing high-energy with a needy high maintenance) is asexual.

There has been a history of gays and lesbians trying to pass themselves off as straight and we take it gays are not allowed to colonise. Although it’s great to give much neglected sexual identities stage time it does result in a rather endless discussion about themselves in the light of having to justify and pass themselves off under the hertero gaze.

Liam is open about his bisexuality in the interview. The interview attempts to put their minds at rest and denies the project is like ‘The Handmaid’s Tale in Space’ but uses her position to quiz him using clichés such as “Wont you miss men?” and many other dog-whistle arguments.

The plot thickens – for some reason (assimilation?) their alien hosts will be observing them 24/7 including when they are having sex. It’s starting to sound more like Big Brother on Uranus than the Handmaid’s Tales In Space to our intrepid couple. Maguire’s face is an absolute picture when told he has to shag as a part of the interview process.

Tess is understandably even more alarmed and tries to convince herself: “Lots of asexual people have sex – just to be nice”.
Their friendship starts to fray at the edges as their predicament becomes more apparent.

Carmella Brown plays Mary the frightening interviewer and brings the comedy like a sizzling slice of ice. Think a demonic Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (clipped Scottish tones included) and mix that with the physicality of the scary robot lady in Terminator 3 and you’ll get the picture.

Is the whole project just a form of madness that has come around due to the threat of imminent death? There are a few harbingers of doom via text message scattered throughout the evening to herald the impending apocalypse but their dramatic capital is not maximised and they become merely interruptions to the flow.

Mission Creep is certainly original and could easily become essential reading for those on a Gender Studies course but as theatre (and despite a deliciously doom laden ending) it fails to fully ignite.

REVIEW : JONNY WARD

Jonny Ward, Queerguru Contributing Editor is a drama graduate but has worked backstage for many years at venues such as The ROYAL ALBERT Hall, The 02, Southbank Centre and is currently at The National Theatre. He lives in Hoxton, London and is delighted to check out the latest, the hottest and the downright dodgy in queer culture for Queerguru. (P.S. He is currently single)  @JonnyWard360