The sheer joy (if joy is the correct description) of excellent queer documentaries like “Marry Me However” is that it helps bring a greater understanding how of the struggles of accepting one’s sexuality in some parts of the world causes such unimaginable problems.  In this case Israeli director  (Rabbi) Mordechai Vardi’s intriguing film outlines the problems of young religious gay men who feel the need to marry women to keep peace not just with God but also themselves.

Vardi profiles 3 gay men and one woman who are in the throes of disentangling themselves from marriages that ultimately failed.  By all accounts, these are the lucky ones as so many young closeted religious Jews end up taking their own lives rather than bowing to their culture’s insisting that they marry and procreate. 

Yarden, Zvi, and Naama are gay men from orthodox and ultra-orthodox backgrounds who tell their own stories with such a sense of calm and quiet determination, it is at times, hard to remember the sheer bravery of their actions.  They have come through divorce and are now bringing up children with the help of a same-sex partner.  However they still face the difficulty of remaining as Observant Jews although one of their number has sacrificed that part of his life in order to move on.

Vardi’s is very careful to observe it all without adding comment but he does film an informal very lively discussion with several Rabbis espousing their own opinions on homosexuality based on their interpretations of the Tora.  We can see that even their enlightened members concede that changing attitudes are light-years away.

The fact Vardi’s three gay men are actively involved in outreach efforts to promote acceptance in the orthodox community is very impressive.  They work to discourage rabbis from counseling people like them to repress their identity, undergo conversion therapy or marry heterosexual partners. You can see people listen politely,  and ever agreeing sometimes, but there seems no real drive there to want to change the status quo.

It is probably too easy for us in the secular West to dismiss this situation as an obstacle that could easily be overcome, but then you witness the sincerity of the gay men who really do not want to be forced to forsake following their religious faith once they accept their sexuality.

Coming to this with a fresh set of eyes, we were also quite shocked at the position of women in all of this.  Rotem,  who is a divorcee at just 24 years old after a loveless marriage vents her anger at  the rabbis who see the happiness of women like her as expendable in an effort to ’fix’ their husbands.

Vardi’s film makes for compelling viewing and he does great service by opening up more dialogue for these conflicted gay men