I guess the byline of this movie could be ‘Everything You Need To Know About Not Having Sex’ ,but unlike Woody Allen’s movie that I paraphrased this from, this documentary is no laughing matter.  It focuses on David Jay a very earnest handsome young man in his 20’s  who after he ‘came out’ to his parents established a whole network of support and information about other people like him.

An ‘asexual’ is a person who is not sexually attracted to either the opposite sex or their same gender.  Most of the people who express themselves as such have no desire to go along with society’s expectations of them and have any sexual intercourse at all.  This informative wee film dealt with and dismissed all the usual assumptions that are bandied around about this group of people i.e. were abused as children,  they are impotent, inexperienced, scared, just out of a bad relationship or just physically incapable.  As Mr Jay asserted asexuality is not a choice one makes as it is in one’s make up just like being gay is.

I have to say that I did set aside my normal cynicism about all things that I find hard to get to grips with as I was actually very interested to see if this really is a valid ‘condition’.  Jay’s group AVEN (Asexual Visibility Education Network) met up in his home town San Francisco specifically to give the group some visibility, and they chose to participate in the Gay Pride March.  At this point I was very much in tune with the observations of Dan Savage the renowned sharp-tongue and witty Sex Therapist. ‘Welcome to Alphabet City : its now Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transsexual, Transgendered, Genderqueer, Questioning Women, etc etc and now they want to add Asexual!’ But as Savage added, there is something rather incongruous that a March to celebrate all the freedom that gay people have fought hard just to be able to have the sex they want, should now be joined by a group that want the right not to have any sex at all.

My bigger objection however throughout the entire film was the constant comparison of asexuality with homosexuality as I can see no link at all whatsoever beyond the fact that they are both considered deviant from what  society considers as its  norm.

I also had as much trouble understanding the whole notion of romance without sexual contact as young Mr Jay did explaining it. He has devised a strategy for evaluating and building relationships known as ‘the three Ts’: time (the amount of time you dedicate to a person), touch (physical or verbal expressions of feelings) and talk (clearly communicating expectations for the relationship). Was I slowly getting convinced that maybe he is onto something here?  An asexual can date, fall in love and even marry (as they did during this film), they simply do not want to have sex with their partner.

Then at the end of the film they go back to interview David two years later.  AVEN is still growing strong, but David has had a major re-think. It’s not that he wants to have sex BUT now aged 29 he has come to the conclusion that the fulfilling relationship that he so craves with one person can only be complete and reach intimacy if he has sex. Reluctantly?

Including this last interview and seeing this very earnest young man struggle with reality of his beliefs didn’t make he doubt his sincerity, but it certainly left me more than confused than him.  Now I am not eure what I think.  I know that the fine line between being  celibate and being asexual is too blurred for me, and the film brought up a theory that there is a link between people with Aspergers Syndrom and asexual, but that surely cannot apply to everyone in this group?

If this is a subject that interests you, or you are just damn nosey about sexual matters like me, then you can find this intriguing wee film online as it is available streaming from several different sources.

P.S. And I will reveal  the answer David gives to one of the most frequently asked questions ……. yes, they do have ‘sex with themselves’ but its evidently not any fun for them ‘just a matter of clearing out the pipes’.